Panic

I would like to think that I can do things without making mistakes. I'm sure most people do. However, I also really do think that I should never make mistakes and if I do they are somehow inexcusable and show that I am somehow flawed and less of a person because of it. Fortunately, I am not so harsh on other people and feel like I am very understanding when people do make mistakes, unless of course they are repeated numerous times and are due to lack of caring or paying attention, etc. Then I get annoyed. This happened at my old job a lot. I was so organized and meticulous that I would easily get livid with people who made the same mistake over and over and over again AND didn't seem to care that they did.

Well now I am that person. I messed something up not once, but twice. I would love to blame my mistake on pregnancy or severe lack of sleep, but when it comes down to it, it doesn't matter why you make a mistake. It matters that you made it and that now, you are going to seem less reliable, less organized or less detail oriented to the person this affects. This thought is very unbearable to me as those things are my greatest strengths.

Thankfully, after some frantic phone calls and emails, I was able to find out that my mistake did not affect anything due to the fact that the next person down the line didn't have time to do the next step yet. I am saved by someone else's busy schedule. Phew. I still have to own up to it, admit my mistake and fix it so that the next person doesn't in turn mess up. This mostly makes me feel better as the outcome will not be affected, but part of me still feels like I have failed and must be less of a good worker now. I know this sounds ridiculous and harsh, but I have had such a high standard for myself when it comes to work and I kept that standard even when I worked at a job that I hated and where I was better than most of the people there (work ethic/productivity-wise). I would hate to think that staying at home for 14 months has weakened me in any way.

The good news is, the panic I had today was all for naught as my mistake has only been revealed to me so far. The bad news is, it will be hard for me to forgive myself and think I am still a good worker.

What I learned: I learned that a) I made a mistake at work for the second time now and b) I find it very hard to believe I can still be trusted to be a reliable employee (I didn't realize I would be so hard on myself because this has never happened before)!